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Confidential Records of a Deceased Espionage Agent

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  • Confidential Records of a Deceased Espionage Agent

    A fit of laughter erupted along the dark corner of AnimeNation's Curry Tavern. No one was there to hear it, save for the only two people still in the tavern. One of them, naturally, was neatly laid down on a slanted table, with each of his limbs shackled to each corner of the table. The other, the source of the mad laughter, prepared a rotary sawblade to the bottom of the table.

    "Spy-senpai, haven't you noticed me enough?" the man on the table begged, trying in futility not to shed any tears.

    "Oh, don't be such a baby," A Dead Spy replied, pushing up the rotating sawblade as it began to cut through the table and slowly approached the other man's crotch area. "I promise you, it stops hurting after you die."

    One set of screaming and a gruesome sawblade-induced bloodbath later, the two halves of what was once the shackled man fell along with the table, the shackles having fulfilled their purpose. ADS dropped the sawblade, then pulled out a pair of red-tinted shades from the breast pocket of his now blood-spattered white suit.

    "Now that's what I call a half-assed job," ADS quipped as he put on the shades. "But not as half-assed as your poor excuse for a finale... Mr. Kubo."

    "And not nearly as half-assed as your comeback line, A Dead Spy."

    ADS's shades shattered from the sheer weight of those words. He thought for certain no one else could reach him, yet there the dark-cloaked figure was, walking menacingly toward him.

    "This doesn't concern you, Sazae," ADS shouted, his hand reaching toward one of his golden daggers.

    "On the contrary," Sazae replied calmly, clapping his hands twice to turn on the lights. "As your brand new admin, I think you'll find this concerns all of me."

    As the lights brightened, more cloaked figures identical to Sazae appeared; more figures than ADS could even bother counting, at that. Each of them wore dark shades, and a hint of a black suit and tie crept from under their cloaks.

    "A Matrix reference, Sazae? A Matrix SEQUEL reference, at that? I thought you were better-"

    "Well, what better way is there to get my point across?"

    ADS stood in stunned silence.

    "You see, A Dead Spy, as you were well aware, we here at AnimeNation have been undergoing some... remodeling, so to speak. We wanted a bigger, more user-friendly environment, one that suits the needs of the more... modern anime fan. So we decided to sweep the older... unnecessary parts of this construct to make way for the future."

    The Sazae at the center eyed the halved remains of Kubo Tite, then smirked in an apparent approval.

    "Ah, I see you did part of the job for us," Sazae continued. "Indeed, now that Mr Kubo's manga is over, AnimeNation no longer has a use for him. In fact, we came here with the purpose of relieving him of duty personally; we never would have expected to relieve you here as well, but alas, when opportunity knocks..."

    By the time ADS could retrieve his dagger, he found himself completely surrounded by Sazae clones, all of which preceded to restrain him physically before his dagger could possibly serve any use for him.

    "Son of a..."

    "I'm surprised by you, A Dead Spy. I knew you held a personal vendetta against Mr .Kubo, but I didn't know you had it in you to go overboard. No matter, though,.. now that we found you, our job is almost complete."

    Struggling to break free from the Sazae clones' grip, ADS dropped his dagger to the floor, where the original Sazae picked it up.

    "Don't be such a baby, A Dead Spy," Sazae echoed, pushing the dagger into ADS's heart. "I promise you, it stops hurting after you die."

    "Bastard..." ADS grumbled in pain, the red text appearing to surround him in full until he disappeared completely. Sazae then adjusted his shades before pocketing the dagger.

    "It is done," Sazae assured the rest of himselves. "The reboot of AnimeNation will now... commence."


    A Dead Spy woke up in her usual daze, the winter sun not even being up yet. Breaking her alarm clock for the third time in a week, she dressed herself accordingly before glancing quickly at the mirror.

    "Damn it, Sazae," ADS cursed, brushing her neck-length black hair. "If I really must be female full-time for you, you could have at least made me ginger, you pervert."

    "What's wrong, Spy?" asked an all-too-familiar voice from the other side of the shut door. "You mean you don't want to build-"

    "Not now, Taleen..." ADS mumbled, drifting further into her thoughts. "At least... I'm still me... sort of..."
    "I'm actually great at debating, as I've been informally trained by 4chan and Something Awful"
    Alex Decay

  • #2
    "Sazae, how could you do this?!"

    The Omniscient Council of AnimeNation, in spite of recent changes to their roster, was not nearly as omniscient as their name implied. Nor were they as patient, especially with a certain new admin of theirs. But Sazae didn't seem to notice, let alone care about the peeves the new group of admins were throwing at him.

    "It was a necessary move, as you all know," Sazae explained. "It's not my fault the rest of you were too chicken to do it."

    "This was not your call to make, Sazae," Superplough growled, the rest of the admins rambling at full force in Sazae's direction.

    "Children, please," Sazae cooed to no avail. "I made everything better. Look, we can even post videos now!"

    "Then care to explain how our traffic is at an all-time low," Leader Desslock rebutted. "More than half our regular members are gone. Explain what you did to them at once."

    "Again, not my fault," Sazae, naturally, was not fooling anyone. "And by the way, Desslock, you, out of all the rest of us admins, should have the least right to complain. I restored order to AnimeNation. I brought back Shiroiyuki just for youó don't tell me you're not enjoying her company."

    Shiroiyuki, who sat right next to Desslock, was ready to stand up in protest when Sazae interrupted before anyone else could even speak.

    "And let's face it, if I hadn't done it, this place would be as ravaged and lifeless as Studio Gonzo. You hated Studio Gonzo, right, Desslock?"

    "Look around you, Sazae," Bernard Monsha stood up. "AnimeNation is ravaged and lifeless now, thanks to you."

    "Give it time, loves. They'll come back. And with our new and improved capacity, in greater numbers. Numbers which not even your combined intellects can comprehend."

    The admins, of course, were not amused with the obvious insult Sazae directed at their expense.

    "Okay, that was a bit uncalled for," Sazae admitted. "I'm sure you admins are the greatest minds of this generation- oops, I did it again, didn't I?"

    "Enough of this!" Bernard roared. "Haruhi, kill him."

    "It shall be done," Haruhi, teleporting right behind Sazae, unveiled the golden dagger once borrowed by ADS, and positioned it toward Sazae's back.

    "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!" Sazae shouted in a surprising fit of enthusiasm, immediately putting the admins in a brief shock.

    "What's he on about this time?" Plough asked to himself.

    "He's bluffing," Desslock answered. "Haruhi, don't buy into it. Kill him already."

    Haruhi obliged, stabbing Sazae in the nape of his neck with extreme prejudice. She let out a sadistic grin as the red text consumed Sazae's body and vanished with him into nothingness.

    "Awww, Haruhi,,, way to ruin the fun."

    Another shadowy figure emerged, along with countless others exactly like it. All of them were identical to Sazae, much to the admins' collective horror.

    "I-IMPOSSIBLE!" was all Haruhi could say before one of the Sazae clones restrained her.

    "Silly admins," Sazae taunted. "Didn't I tell you AnimeNation is now running at a capacity your intellects couldn't comprehend? Isn't this... what you all wanted?"

    Bernard, obviously at patience's end, drew out his flaming sword, only for the Sazae clones to come after him as well.

    "Throw all of yourselves at us, for all I give a damn!" Bernard challenged, swinging his blade to spread fire around as many Sazaes as he could. "I'LL COOK YOU ALL SO BAD, GORDON RAMSAY WOULD KILL HIMSELF JUST LOOKING AT YOU!"

    The Sazaes, much to Bernard's dismay, barely even flinched upon burning. All it did to them was make them slightly more uncomfortable as the fire sprinklers came on to extinguish the flames.

    "DAMN!" Bernard cursed. "WHO INSTALLED THESE?!"

    "We did, of course," Sazae explained. "It's the least we could do to prepare for your wrath, Bernard Monsha."

    All Bernard could do was growl at the Sazaes, as could the rest of the admins who were now at Sazae's own mercy.

    "Don't worry, loves. I won't cause you much harm; AnimeNation still needs you, after all."

    "Shit, he's going to rewrite us!" Plough shouted before the Sazaes captured him as well. The other admins followed suit as the Sazaes sealed off all the exits.

    "Now, then." Sazae pulled out his banhammer, a golden claymore sword with a sheen that glowed red. The other Sazaes with their hands free pulled out their own identical claymores as well.

    "I tried being nice to you loves, but you had to poo all over the new world I created for you. Too bad, but no matter... I'll make sure your... regenerations, so to speak, turn out a bit more agreeable..."


    "Gee, it sure is boring around here."

    "Stop complaining, Plough," A Dead Spy scoffed, ready to silence the next person with anything at all to say with a slap to the face. Needless to say, recent events have left everyone at AnimeNation rather annoyed, but ADS in particular was still sick of the negative comments resulting from the changes.

    "And don't you all have admining to do?"

    "For once in our lives, we don't feel like it," Desslock replied, making sure to restrain ADS's hand in order to prevent a slap to the face. "After all, it's a magical new world out there. Let's go exploring!"
    "I'm actually great at debating, as I've been informally trained by 4chan and Something Awful"
    Alex Decay


    • #3
      LMAO at 'the halved remains of Mr Kubo'
      Avatar: Izuminokami Kanesada


      • #4
        Hahaha, seems like there will be lots of fun here too! Keep em coming!

        But I'm a bit confused there two ADS?
        And you have a life in fantasy ..only you can see~
        Taleen and Nutmeg: We are the
        Talmeg, nothing can stop us =D


        • #5
          ((No, there's only one ADS. The ADS at the beginning got "re-written" by Sazae, so to speak. Or rather, Sazae killed ADS and then regenerated him into a her.))
          "I'm actually great at debating, as I've been informally trained by 4chan and Something Awful"
          Alex Decay


          • #6
            Oh!! Now let's see what will happen! =D
            And you have a life in fantasy ..only you can see~
            Taleen and Nutmeg: We are the
            Talmeg, nothing can stop us =D


            • #7
              This is one of the coolest things I have ever read.
              "I donít believe any of these things and I donít want to be agreed with about them Ö All Iím asking is that we take a look at this information, and Ö letís see if we canít disagree with this universe, just a little bit." - LRH


              • #8
                This is great ADS.
                Never Underestimate This Madwoman's Eternal Goober-ness
                Taleen and Nutmeg: We are the Talmeg, nothing can stop us =D
                AN's Alpha Female

                Avatar: Wonder Woman


                • #9
                  Keep going!
                  Avatar: Izuminokami Kanesada


                  • #10
                    Back in the AnimeNation Curry Tavern, which went from a shoddy joint to a majestic hotel and casino after Sazae's reboot, BWBODDY was relieving some boredom through dealing a round of blackjack with some of the other recently rebooted members.

                    "Look, I still don't understand why any of this is necessary," Malachi wondered out loud, almost spilling his cocktail as BWBODDY dealt him in. "I mean, it was more than enough for Sazae or whomever to rewrite our whole reality; now he's lording over us with like a bajillion clones? If that's not drunk with power, then I ain't drunk!"

                    "Malachi, you haven''t even sipped your cocktail," BWBODDY responded. "You're not drunk, and you haven't even placed a bet higher than five dollars."

                    "That's because you keep busting me out."

                    "Not my fault you keep hitting on 18." BWBODDY then turned his attention to the now giggling Mikosage with a full glare. "And Miko, if you dare say 'That's what she said' one more time, I'm cutting you off from this table."

                    Mikosage became dead silent.

                    "And don't worry so much about Sazae," BWBODDY explained further. "It's been almost seven months since the reboot, and he's been nowhere to be seen since."

                    "Yeah, that's the scary part," Loplop rebutted. "I'd imagine Sazae is watching over us as if AnimeNation is some sort of game to him. It's like we're characters in The Sims, and we're all completely under his control."

                    With Loplop's rant, BWBODDY swiftly took away the shot glass from his hand.

                    "No more for you. And I think we're all done here."

                    "But I had 18!" Malachi whined, to which BWBODDY responded by revealing the dealer's face-down card: an Ace of Diamonds.

                    "21, mother****er. But that's beside the point; Desslock's hailing us as we speak."

                    The other members all turned around; surely enough, Leader Desslock and the rest of his rebooted admin gang were there in full.

                    "Oh, you were finished?" Desslock asked in slight disappointment, before immediately getting himself back on track. "Scratch it, then. Time for some important exposition, everyone!"

                    The entire table groaned, BWBODDY included.

                    "Aww, exposition?!" Mikosage sighed. "That's the most boring part of the story!"

                    "Fine, be like that," Desslock responded, pulling out a gold-plated handgun. "I was going to let you do the honors of shooting A Dead Spy in the face, but... well, I guess I can handle it myself."


                    "Too late. Let's start the show!"

                    Haruhi and Shiroiyuki came out from underneath the stage curtain, with them a rolling table carrying an assortment of practically every single handheld weapon known to man, ranging from swords to assault rifles to even rocket launchers and miniguns.

                    "And now for our lovely and generous volunteers to step up. Ladies, if you please."

                    At Desslock's call came six females onto the stage, each of them dressed in their own variant of Playboy bunny outfit. ADS entered first in red, then came Taleen in yellowish gold, Animegurl in pink, Nutmeg in black, Goddessofanime in blue, and Vaikyuko in white.

                    "Don't forget our agreement, Desslock-"

                    "Yeah, yeah," Desslock interrupted ADS, sighing. "I'll quit stealing your virtual hat collection one by one."


                    Desslock sighed again, taking the flamethrower from off the table.

                    "... And the freeloaders in your houses will be as good as gone. Now can we please get on with this?"

                    ADS silenced herself, ready for the "show" to begin while everyone at the blackjack table looked in awe.

                    "You're... you're not actually going to kill them, are you?" Malachi expressed himself in disbelief.

                    "Relax, Max," Desslock replied. "We found a way to turn friendly fire off for good this time. These ladies will be as untouched as-"

                    "-as the desperate five-dollar whore that is-"

                    "MIKOSAGE, ENOUGH!" BWBODDY exclaimed, readying the bar of soap to be placed in Mikosage's mouth in case of further interruption on his part.

                    "As I was saying," Desslock continued, "they'll all be completely unharmed in the end. I don't know about the pain they'll be feeling during the demonstration, but... I digress."

                    "Just get this over with and light me up already," ADS ordered, to which Desslock agreed by igniting the flamethrower. Mikosage, meanwhile, couldn't resist any further.

                    "Yeah, that's what she-"


                    "So, 18? Hit me."

                    "Malachi, I'm not hitting you anymore. And Miko, how's it going up there?."

                    The blackjack table now completely occupied with the female volunteers (still in their Playboy outfits) as well as the admins and regulars, BWBODDY poured himself another glass as the rest of the group watched Desslock roast Mikosage a new one on stage.

                    "I hate you all," Mikosage protested. "Didn't even hurt- OWWWW WITH THE FLAMING!"

                    "Yeah, Miko, that'll get you to think twice before opening that filthy mouth of yours next time," BWBODDY taunted.

                    "I'm just thankful it didn't have to be us on stage after all," ADS sighed in relief, to which the rest nodded. "Still, what Malachi said about that Sazae thing..."

                    "Again, best not to think about it," BWBODDY replied. "No one ever plays The Sims anymore, anyway."
                    "I'm actually great at debating, as I've been informally trained by 4chan and Something Awful"
                    Alex Decay


                    • #11
                      OMG, I'm too sexy to be killed!

                      Very nice, ADS!
                      And you have a life in fantasy ..only you can see~
                      Taleen and Nutmeg: We are the
                      Talmeg, nothing can stop us =D


                      • #12
                        Well looks like I needed to change my title a little bit
                        "I donít believe any of these things and I donít want to be agreed with about them Ö All Iím asking is that we take a look at this information, and Ö letís see if we canít disagree with this universe, just a little bit." - LRH


                        • #13
                          ****ing DEAD LMAO
                          Avatar: Izuminokami Kanesada


                          • #14
                            Confidential Records of a Deceased Espionage Agent

                            240 Days since Sazae's takeover

                            Notice that I'm making the number of days up, since no one knows for sure how long it's been since the reboot. Apparently, according to DocWatson, AnimeNation had been down for an indeterminate amount of time before starting back up again, during which time Sazae found a way to make himself into an integral part of the system. The rest, of course, is history.

                            Anyway, to those of you who managed to stumble upon this blog, you're probably wondering why I'm making a blog in the first place. Well, ever since Leader Desslock graciously spared me and the other girls from his "friendly fire" demonstration (Miko is still salty about it, by the way), we discovered Sazae's control over AnimeNation isn't as absolute as we once thought, and there are certain areas Sazae can't (or won't) touch. This gave DocWatson the idea of setting up this secret base deep within the Hentai subforum, with the logic being that even if Sazae could reach the Hentai subforum, he would never think to look for anything that isn't related to pornographic material.

                            Doc also gave each of us our own blog, with the condition that we all have to actually write in it for once. His reasoning is that Sazae could come at any minute to rewrite us again, so he figured that by reading our own blogs, it could help us keep our memories intact. Naturally, he also made extra precautions to keep these blogs out of Sazae's reach; for that reason, even if I did know where the hard disk containing these blogs are, I am not at liberty to write their location.

                            But enough of the boring technical details. Since this is coming from the Hentai subforum, you probably came here expecting some kind of pornography. Unfortunately for me in particular, Doc strongly suggested putting at least some form of porn of us in, if only to keep Sazae off our tracks. So I'm pretty much required to keep a video link up just in case. You can find it here:

                            No, this isn't a live blog, and it never will be. You will get whatever I feel like posting, and that's final. (Yuki, if you're reading this, this ESPECIALLY means you, and if I catch you with so much as ONE lingerie photo of me, I will END you.)


                            "Awww, that's no way to behave on a porn blog, Spy-chan..."

                            ADS sighed, mentally kicking herself for not expecting Vaikyuko to eavesdrop. To her, it was bad enough she had to wear basically nothing but lingerie and stilettos every time she visited Doc's secret base; it was just her luck that eyes had to be on her.

                            "Vai, don't you have your own blog to post in? As in, one that isn't my own?"

                            "Come on, Spy-chaaaannn," Vaikyuko persisted. "Don't be such a tsundere; it hardly suits someone cute like you, you know."

                            "Get out," replied an extremely flustered ADS, to which Vaikyuko reluctantly obeyed. Once she knew Vaikyuko was gone, ADS's head immediately fell on top of her keyboard in anguish.


                            addgfdgfdgfdgfdgffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffff
                            Last edited by Spy Princess; January 10th, 2017, 08:31 PM.
                            "I'm actually great at debating, as I've been informally trained by 4chan and Something Awful"
                            Alex Decay


                            • #15

                              Never Underestimate This Madwoman's Eternal Goober-ness
                              Taleen and Nutmeg: We are the Talmeg, nothing can stop us =D
                              AN's Alpha Female

                              Avatar: Wonder Woman